My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
