This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
