I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
