we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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