i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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