Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
