I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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