How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
