They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
