Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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