Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
