Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
