listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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