I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
