I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
