I want to make a zoo with you.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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