Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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