I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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