Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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