The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
