My liver just broke up with me...
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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