So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
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Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
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She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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