I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
