i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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