he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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