capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
