I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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