I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
All the doctor said was why
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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