is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
