if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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