i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
