dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
please come you make the beer taste better
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You ruined the universe
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
