I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
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I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
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Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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