there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
