I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
