I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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