So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
