I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you didnt know i had herpes?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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