she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
