Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
