I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
