I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"