Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
