A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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