I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
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