come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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