And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
