I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
