toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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