The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
