So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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