He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
