I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
This is classic penis vs brain.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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